Nobody knew I was sad. Why would they? I smiled. Shook hands. Signed deals. Played with my kids when I could. Made love to my wife when I wasn’t exhausted and she let me touch her. I had a home in a development. I paid my HOA fees. Kept my lawn trim. My house in good working order. I even changed the filters in the air vents every three months. Most people let it go for a year but I did it every three months. I went to school meetings. Sat calmly and discussed my children with teachers. I let my wife handle the PTA but I was always there to support her. I did what I was supposed to do. I was a suburban dad and husband. I was supposed to be happy.
I hit 48 years and I crumbled. Shit. I went to the Sun and Sail Club. Part of the HOA. There was a lake, boats, a lounge, an exercise room, a dining area…I drank Budweiser as I watched the sun set over the man-made lake and homes with pretentious decks. I could see a teenager sunbathing on a deck from the window. She had her bikini top undone to allow for a comprehensive tan. Her bikini was yellow and my penis grew hard. Not large. I was mediocre in that area but I imagined ravishing her. The waitress, May, gave me another beer.
“Something interesting out there?” she asked. May was sixty, hardened, coarse hair and disdainful of men. My penis deflated.
“Just watching the sunset,” I said as I lifted the beer bottle.
“Yeah,” said May. “Her name is Tiffany. She comes in with her parents on game night. She sips coke and eats hot dogs. Not legal. You know?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about May.”
May waved her hands. “The girl you’ve been eyeing. Tiffany. Not legal, by the way.”
I flushed and May walked away. I looked back at the girl on the deck but she was gone. Only a beach towel remained. I left the Sun and Sail Club and went back home.
“Where have you been?” demanded my wife. Our infant daughter was latched on her right tit. It didn’t seem erotic but oddly gross. The baby looked at me with derision. Why did you interrupt my meal? That’s the look my baby had.
I went to my office and thought of the sunbathing beauty in the yellow bikini. I masturbated and stifled my exaltation. I cleaned myself off and buried the towel at the bottom of the hamper.
“I’ll do laundry,” I told my wife who glared at me.
God, I was sad. When did joy get sucked out of my life? When did sex become joyless? When did I start masturbating like a dirty secret? I piled the clothes into the washing machine. I had a choice between deep wash and light wash. I chose deep. Only deepness could scrub away my useless sperm. If only there was a mental washer who could erase the girl in the bikini.