I took my sweet time learning to talk. Mom and Dad thought I was dumb. A few teachers did too. Then a doctor said I was autistic and may never learn to communicate. I didn’t talk because I had no interest in people and many seemed to be mean even though they smiled at me and pretended they cared about me. Sometimes I would put my hand on them and I could feel what they felt. Anger, frustration, annoyance. One day when I was six, a girl at school braided my hair at recess. Every time her fingertips touched my neck, I felt her kindness and gentleness. I spoke then. It was strange forming words and hearing my voice. It was nice not feeling locked in.
When Dad lost his job we moved to my grandparents’ ranch in Wyoming. They had lots of animals. Horses, chickens, goats, pigs. There was a pesky rooster who liked to peck feet. I picked him up. I could feel what he felt. Pride and a need to seem strong. I hugged him close and set him down. I think he was shocked. He knew that I could feel his feelings. We were best friends after that.
Gramps broke horses and there was a wild bunch in the corral every day. I laid my hands on all of them. I could feel all their pent-up emotions. They calmed down for me. I think they were relieved I understood them. They felt locked up inside like I did.
As I got older I had to talk more. People expected it. But something strange happened. The more I talked the less I could feel. I would touch the animals but I no longer understood them. I stopped talking to see if it would help me feel again. Mom screamed at me.
“Talk, Angela. Talk.” She screeched at me and Gramps and Grandma had to intervene and tell her to stop.
It didn’t work. Not talking. I could no longer feel. So I said dead words from a dead spirit. I avoided the animals. I avoided people. People told me that talking would make me free but it was feeling and sensing the feelings of other people and animals that really made me free. It was true I was locked inside but the feeling was profound. Now I’m a dead girl and I resent everyone who insisted I talk.
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