England and the Thunder (Story by Risa Peris)

What do you do when you are hungry? You seek. The overeater goes to the grocery store or restaurant. The junky goes to his dealer. The sex deprived husband seeks a lover or prostitute. The Queen presses a button. 

“Oh, do bring me bangers and mash. Fried tomatoes as well. No wait…kippers, eggs. Still the tomatoes.” The Queen’s voice is high, haughty, and insufferable. Posh beyond posh. She thinks she’s powerful. She’s acted it all her life. People treat her with deference. But she’s nothing. Really. No crises would ensue if her and her whole family evaporated. There would just be a strangely fond but niggling memory. 

William the Conqueror was hungry. He took down King Harald. The Normans win. For a moment, the soldiers thought he died in battle and they began to retreat until he held his helmet high. The soldiers quivered and sighed. They would die a terrible death if they retreated. They could die a terrible death if they continued to fight. They weighed their odds. Off to battle it was. 

William declared himself King of England. The Norman conquest was over. 

Serve the Lord with fear, and rejoice with trembling. 

Not William. No fear and trembling. An annoying confidence. A pride of manhood. All would crumble if he vacated. 

King William meet Queen Elizabeth II. The Queen at 93, quivered and peed her knickers. 

King William laughed. “Never trust God though I do sitteth in heaven. The heaven of power. Do have a friend. A powerful one. Don’t just wear pretty gowns and sip champagne. Soak the land with blood and then they will know who you are. A godless praying to God for theater. Let them know your rage. Now go change your soiled clothes. I will assume the throne. I will dispose of Boris Johnson. I will begin a civil war if I have to.”

William ate some scones from the buffet table. He nearly choked and then swilled whiskey. 

“Jesus! England has gone to shit since I haven’t been ruler.”

The Queen then collapsed and he walked over her body but then robbed her of all her jewelry.

“You get what you can get.”

His armor thundered through the halls of Buckingham Palace.