And the wine flowed fiercely like the Nile and it gave me respite like the sweet waters of the river. I dined with Peninnah and her children. Penninah drank little as she was often busy nursing her babies or tearing meat into little bits so her children did not choke. Her nipples were long and chewed from so many babies and she was quite proud to show them to me and the servants.
Our husband was often gone but when he returned he brought gifts. To Penninah and her children he gifted food, cloth, spices, and toys and the children were so happy they danced and Penninah glowed. To me he gifted jewelry. Golden baubles sometimes inlaid with rubies or clear, sparkling stones.
“I do love you, Hannah,” he said as he fastened a necklace around my throat. “You are my first wife.” He smiled. “I’m so sad your womb is closed.” And then he made love to me. I was drunk on wine and miserable that I had failed as a wife and a woman. He left me and went to Peninnah. He could not take my tears.
I went to the temple and prayed for a child. A priest heard my prayer. I knew the priest was there. There was always a priest in the temple. I said aloud I would give my child to God.
“Are you drunk?” he asked. I shook my head.
“I am filled with the sweetness of God.” It was a lie. I was indeed drunk and when you are a drunk you learn to lie. God was not sweet. He had closed my womb. I only wanted to be a good wife because I loved my husband. I didn’t burn to be a mother. Sometimes I card for Peninnah’s children but I did not feel fulfilled.
I became pregnant. Magically. And the priest declared that I was a model of perfect prayer. I was not. I could only pray drunk. When you are drunk words erupt easily from your mouth. I wondered if that was a requirement to talk to God and ask him for things. Do you need to be drunk for him to take pity on your soul?
I gave birth and named the boy Samuel and I gave him to God. My husband was happy and Peninnah was unhappy and I continued to drink but I never spoke to God again.
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