Hello and welcome to the all new suicide prevent helpline.
Hey, I feel really stupid for calling, but I feel like I can’t go on any more…
If you suffer from a diagnosed mental condition please press one.
What the…?
If you think your issues may be related to substance addiction, please press two.
Is this some kind of sick joke?
If your problems are related to financial concerns, please press three.
This is unreal.
If your problems have been caused by relationship difficulties, please press four.
No, it’s none of those things.
If you wish to hear your choices again, please press five.
Seriously! I just want to talk to a real person?
If you wish to hear your choices again, please press five.
Please.
If you wish to hear your choices again, please press five.
You know what, I’ve changed my mind.
If you wish to hear your choices again, please press five.
I have suddenly found a reason to live.
If you wish to hear your choices again, please press five.
I am going to hunt down whoever invented this monstrosity and make them pay.
If you wish to hear your choices again, please press five.