Dear Bob Hope:
I am writing to provide you with an excellent comedic addition to your USO Show currently touring the rubble of Europe. I am a hulking Viking from Minnesota and recently had the privilege of meeting a man named Brawny who had returned from the war. We chatted over pistachio pudding in the Calypso Diner. He claimed to have helped Mengele escape Europe for Paraguay by incorporating him into a comedic routine in a US Army show. I have enclosed a preliminary sketch. I hope you enjoy it. I will reach out to you again. However, I am leaving the country for several months. I will be Argentina. Sightseeing. Cheers.
PS. Mengele is dressed as a clown during the whole routine.
The proposed script:
Brawny: This is The Slipple, Slapple Brawny…
Mengele: And Mengele Show.
Brawny: Babababbababababa.
Mengele: Bababbabababababa.
Brawny: Hitler is soooo generous.
Mengele: How?
Brawny: He’s sending half the Jews in Auschwitz home.
Mengele: That is generous. How is he going to do it?
Brawny: By cutting all the Jews in half with a chainsaw. Half of them go into an oven and the other half get sent home. The Federal German Postal Service will be dropping off packages shortly.
Mengele: Tadatada.
Brawny: How long does coal burn?
Mengele: Not sure but surely not as long as Jews burn. That’s for certain.
Brawny: Why are you certain?
Mengele: Well, I once stuck a Jew baby in an oven and it took hours for her bones to disintegrate. But maybe that was because I injected her with a bunch of mercury.
Brawny: Tadatada. Hitler asked his lawyer, “How should I plead?”
Mengele: The lawyer said, “Plead insanity.”
Brawny: Hey, that’s not a joke.
Mengele: OK, let me fix that. What’s the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
Brawny: I know, I know. The pizza doesn’t scream when you put it in the oven.
Mengele: So there I was dissecting a little Jew dwarf and he lifts his poor, tiny head and cries, “Why are you doing this to me?”
Brawny: Awwww. How precious. What did you tell him?
Mengele: I said, “Poor Jew, you should have accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior.” Then I laughed. And then I said, “Plus, I have zeee knife and you have zeee flesh.”
Brawny: That’s a hoot and so true. It’s like asking a lion why it digs its teeth into the gazelle. The lion says, “I have zeee teeth and you have zeee flesh.”
Mengele: Let’s sing.
Brawny and Mengele:
Welcome, boys and girls to Auschwitzy.
Welcome, boys and girls to Auschwitzy.
There once was a Nazi from Auschwitzy.
He was a fine doctor.
But when the Jewess ran,
He raised his gun and clocked her.
Welcome, boys and girls to Auschwitzy.
Welcome, boys and girls to Auschwitzy.
Work does not set you free.
That’s a little Nazi joke.
Some would say it is bad humor.
But the only thing bad is a tumor.
Welcome, boys and girls to Auschwitzy.
Welcome, boys and girls to Auschwitzy.
Come out, come out, don’t be shy.
Get off zeeeee trains.
Sorry we couldn’t put you on a plane.
But we Nazis got bills to pay
Slipple, slapple, slipple, slapple.
Tear off your clothes we want to play.
Lift your arms, turn around.
We need fingers to make bullets.
Have some tiny food pellets.
You will cry and get hungry.
If you are lucky,
The Nazi doctors will carve you up bluntly.
Welcome, boys and girls to Auschwitzy.
Welcome, boys and girls to Auschwitzy.
Don’t cry, don’t cry, little fuckers.
We’ll put you in the ovens.
We’ll turn you to ashes.
All to prove life’s a big junker.
And a pile of shit too!
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